Van and Davy. The End. The Beginning

Van shows us a picture into the heart and mind of his wife, Davy.
This excerpt is also from his book, A Severe Mercy.

Davy's mother died during this time, after a long struggle with cancer. And along with this grief, she began to have a powerful sense of her own sin.

Thus, though her mind, too, asked the intellectual questions--questions to which answers were flooding in through our books--Christianity was offering consolation, assurance, and, even, absolution. It fell into her soul as the water of life.

One evening, after a lively discussion of the faith with Lew and Mary Ann, I asked Davy if she felt that she was near to believing that Christ was God. She said, "Well, I think he might be." And I said that "thinking he might be was not the same as believing."

She put this exchange in her Journal; and then she wrote, "Underneath I kept wanting to say, "I do, I do believe in Jesus--Jesus the Son of God and divine." She added, "I owe this to C. S. Lewis who has impressed me deeply with the necessity of Jesus to any thinking about God."

She was on the brink--indeed--and then she leaped. Only two days later she wrote:

Today, crossing from one side of the room to the other, I lumped together all I am, all I fear, hate, love, hope; and, well, DID it. I committed my ways to God in Christ.

She was alone when she took that walk across the room, and she told me when I came in an hour later. I was neither shocked nor astonished. It was as though I had known she would do it. I felt a sort of gladness for her, and told her. I also felt a bit forlorn.

A few nights later, after a rather gentle talk about Christianity, she went to bed, leaving me lying upon the sofa in front of the fire reading Lewis's Miracles.A half hour passed. I let the book fall and switched off the lamp. Gazing into the glowing coals, I wondered with a strange mixture of hope and fear whether Christ might be in very truth God. Suddenly I became aware that Davy was praying beside me--she had stolen into the room in her nightgown and knelt down by the sofa.

I looked at the quiet figure for a few moments. I had never seen her pray. Then she spoke, "When I was in bed," she said very softly, "it seemed to me that God was telling me to come to you. I have prayed to God to fulfill your soul."

She paused a moment and then she whispered: "Oh, my dearest--please believe!"

Moved almost to tears, I whispered back --"a broken whisper," she wrote in her Journal--I whispered, "Oh, I do believe." I was shaken by the affirmation that swept over me. She wrote, "We held one another tightly."

"Hold to this moment," she murmured. "Hold to it when doubts come. This is the true -- I know it is."

And so Van and Davy Vanuaken entered into the Light and ended their search for Truth. But they both realized immediately that their real journey had only just begun.

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets

Read their whole story in A Severe Mercy, by Vanauken.

Journey Toward the light - Scene 5

Recap: Van and Davy are getting closer to their Encounter with the Light. After meeting Christians (who surprised them with their intelligence and wit and joy) at Oxford and after reading dozens of books and even the Bible, they are drawing some conclusions:
1. Christianity is perhaps not as foolish as they had previously thought.
2. Christians do not have to be unintelligent, self-righteous and boring, as they had thought.
3. A great many intelligent scholars had embraced Christianity and found in it consistent answers for understanding the meaning of life.

Van writes:

Davy and I, we later decided, were immeasurably helped in our serious look at Christianity by where we considered ourselves to be: we did not suppose at all that we were Christians, just because we were more or less nice people who vaguely believed there might be some sort of god and who had been inside a church. We were outside the fold.

Thus we were perfectly aware that the central claim of Christianity was and always had been that the same God who made the world had lived in the world and been killed by the world; and that the (claimed) proof of this was His resurrection from the dead.

This, in fact, was precisely what we, so far at least, did not believe. But we knew that it was what had to be believed if we were to call ourselves Christians. Consequently we did not call ourselves Christian.

Van realized that there are a great many people who no more believed this central claim of Christ "than an Easter bunny!" yet they called themselves Christians on the basis, apparently, of going to church, being nice and respectable, and accepting some "assorted bits of the Sermon on the Mount."

He continues:

I wrote sardonically that such people were proof that there can be smoke without fire. But Davy and I were not too close to Christianity to see it. We didn't mistake the foothills for the mountain. We saw it there only too clearly, solitary, vast, ice-capped, and apparently unscaleable, at least by us.

For we knew we had to believe. Christianity was a faith.

And by now we knew it was important. If true--and we admitted to each other the possibility that it was -- it was, very simply, the only really important truth in the world. And if untrue, it was false. No halfway house. All or nothing.

It is not possible to be 'incidentally a Christian.' The fact of Christianity must be overwhelmingly first or nothing.

From A Severe Mercy, by Vanauken

Journey Toward the Light- Scene 4

Recap: Van and Davy Vanauken have arrived at Oxford to continue their graduate work. They were befriended by a young man who was a Christian. In turn, he introduced them to other Christians at the university. The Vanaukens were astonished at the caliber of these strange individuals -- they were charming, witty, and intelligent scholars. This encounter forced them to rethink their assumptions that Christians were dull, boring, unintelligent, rigid and self-righteous.

They wanted to learn more about Christianity, not to become believers, (of course not!) but to be able to participate in the discussions with their new friends. They went to the library and loaded up books by C. S. Lewis, Chesterton, T. S. Eliot and others, and even some Bibles and commentaries. And they started reading.


During this time of reading / study of the Bible and Christianity, Van wrote in his diary.....

The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness.

But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians--when they are somber and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.

But, though it is just to condemn some Christians for these things, perhaps, after all, it is not just, though very easy, to condemn Christianity itself for them. Indeed, there are impressive indications that the positive quality of their joy is in Christian faith--and possibly nowhere else. If this were certain, it would be proof of a very high order.

If minds like St. Augustine's and Newman's and Lewis' could wrestle with Christianity and become fortresses of that faith, it had to be taken seriously.

About this same time, Van noted: "I writhed a bit at the thought of my easy know-nothing contempt [of Christians] of other years. Most of the people who reject Christianity know almost nothing of what they are rejecting: those who condemn what they do not understand are surely, little men.

"Thank God," we said, "if there is a God, that we are at least looking seriously and honestly at this thing. If our Christian friends--nuclear physicists, historians, and able scholars in other fields--can believe in Christ, if C. S. Lewis can believe in Christ, we must, at least, weigh it very seriously."

Their joy seems to come from their Christian faith, and perhaps exists nowhere else ---What an amazing observation! As I read more of the Vanuakens in their search for the Light, I notice their many other references to "joy."

Repeatedly this is what stands out most for them as they observe their Christian friends.... They mention love and peace and completeness and other characteristics, but it is JOY they notice most.

I think of my own life and I can remember non-believers commenting on our buoyant joy that seems to keep us bouncing through the difficulties of life.

And now I think again of that amazing hymn by Fanny Crosby: All the Way My Savior Leads Me....

Though my weary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be
Gushing from the Rock before me, Lo! A stream of joy I see!

Gushing....not flowing....not bubbling...not even pouring....GUSHING!
And that's what I see before me!

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with inexpressible and glorious joy.
I Peter 1:8

More of the Journey Toward Light....Scene 5.....From A Severe Mercy, by Van Vanuaken

Journey Toward the Light - Scene 3

Recap: Van and Davy Vanauken moved to Oxford to finish their graduate work. Their first friends were a group of 5 Christians, who, to the amazement of Van and Davy, were intelligent and witty and friendly.

With this encounter the Vanaukens began to revise their previous assumption that Christians were dull, boring, rigid and generally unintelligent. As their friendship grew Van and Davy began to feel the urge to read up on Christianity, "certainly not that we would ever become Christians ourselves ," but so that they could "participate in the lively discussions" they enjoyed so much with their new friends.

So Van and Davy went to the library and returned with armfuls of books, many by C. S. Lewis, and even some Bibles of various translations. And so they began to read....

Scene 3:

Van: "We read half a hundred books that first autumn and winter in Oxford. We became interested, absorbed, in the study of Christianity right from the start-- still it was only a study.

"It was fortunate that I chose to read the C . S. Lewis science-fiction trilogy first, for, apart from being beautiful and enthralling, it made me conscious of an alliance with him: what he hated (That Hideous Strength) I hated and feared. Much more important, perhaps, the trilogy showed me that the Christian God might, after all, be quite big enough for the whole galaxy....

"Apart from Lewis, we read G. K. Chesterton, who with wit, presented a brilliant reasoned case for the faith. Graham Greene showed--terribly--what sin was, and what faith was. Dorothy Sayers made Christianity dramatic and exciting, and attacked complacency and dullness like a scorpion.

"We had read T. S. Eliot for years, for now we began to see what he was really saying in Ash Wednesday and the Four Quartets--and it scared us. His description of being a Christian lingered in our minds: 'A condition of complete simplicity/(Costing not less than everything).''

"And we read the New Testament, of course, and numerous commentaries. But there is no doubt that C. S. Lewis was, first to last, overwhelmingly the most important reading for us both. Only someone who has faced the question--is Christianity false?--can help someone else resolve the counter-question--is it true? We read everything he ever wrote.

"He wrote about Christianity in a style as clear as spring water without a hint of sanctimoniousness or vagueness or double-talk, never suggesting that anything be accepted on other than reasonable grounds. He gave us simple, straightforward, telling argument laced with wit.

"As we read, we talked to our Christian friends, raising our questions and doubts. They answered us very patiently and thoughtfully.

"An important insight struck us--Davy and me-- one day when we realized that our friends, though Anglican, Baptist, Roman Catholic, and Lutheran, were united by far more--mere Christianity, as Lewis would put it--than divided them. 'And they are all so -- so happy in their Christianity,' said Davy.

And I said, 'Could it be--that happiness--is what's called "Christian joy," do you think?

Next...Scene 4.....

A Soul's Journey Toward the Light - Scene 2

From Scene 1 -- Van and Davy Vanauken, a young couple who presented themselves as agnostics/atheists, arrived at Oxford and met a young man who warmly welcomed them. He then introduced them to 4 more friends. All of these new friends were Christians, and Van and Davy had to revise their assumptions about Christians. They found out that people who called themselves Christians could be intelligent and witty. It was a complete surprise!

Van wrote, "The sheer quality of Christians we met at Oxford shattered our stereotype, and thenceforward a reference in a book or conversation to someone's being a Christian called up an entirely new image. Moreover, the astonishing fact sank home: our contemporaries could be at once highly intelligent, witty, civilized, fun to be with--and Christian."

Scene 2

Van and Davy, after realizing their assumptions about Christians were wrong, decided to find out more about what Christians believed. To investigate it for themselves. Not that they would "ever possibly become Christians ourselves" but so that they might understand their new friends better and perhaps be able to contribute more to the discussions they enjoyed so much.

They both stopped by the library and picked up armfuls of books, many by C.S. Lewis, and even
brought back some Bibles of several translations.

Davy: "I've been thinking we ought to know more....and won't Mary Ann and Lew be pleased!"

Van: "Yes. But listen, Davy. We're just having a look, you know. Let's keep our heads. There are enormous arguments against Christianity."

Davy: "Oh, I know! I don't see how any of it could be true. But--well, how would you feel if we decided that it was true?"

Van: Um..."I'm, not sure. One would know the meaning of things. That would be good. But we'd have to go to church and all that. And, well, pray. Still, it would be great to know meanings and you know, the purpose of everything. But, dammit, it couldn't be true! How could Earth's religion--one of Earth's religions--be true for the whole galaxy--millions of planets maybe? That's what rules it out right in the beginning. It's too -- it's too little!"

Davy: "I know. Look--these three by C. S. Lewis are a sort of science-fiction trilogy: Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength. Did you known that?

Van: "Good Lord! I'll read those first--unless you want to?"

Davy: "No. I want to read Screwtape. Thad says it's funny."

Van: "Great. and then we'll trade!"

And that's how it all began. The encounter with Light. Only of course, it didn't really begin then....It was some time later that they realized God had been preparing and leading them for quite some time......

See Scene 3 --


From A Severe Mercy, chapter IV, Encounter with Light.

A Journey Toward the Light - Scene 1

From the testimony of Van and Davy Vanauken, Chapter IV, Encounter the Light, from their book, A Severe Mercy....

....We were welcomed to Oxford by one Lew Salter and his pretty wife, Mary Ann.

Lew, a brilliant theoretical physicist, was in my college. He and Mary Ann were, also, we discovered later, keen Christians. Through them we met, almost at once, their English friends Peter and Bee Campion--Bee, tall and swift, impatient of nonsense; Peter, just out of the Royal Navy, pipe-smoking, nice grin, bright blue eyes. Peter was a physicist, too. At the same time we met another friend of theirs, Thad March, lanky, witty, intelligent, who was reading English.

These were our first friends, close friends. More to the point, perhaps, all five were keen, deeply committed Christians.

But we liked them so much that we forgave them for it. We began, hardly knowing we were doing it, to revise our opinions of Christians.

Our fundamental assumption, which we had been pleased to regard as intelligent insight, had been that all Christians were necessarily stuffy, hide-bound, or stupid---people to keep our distance from. We had kept our distance so successfully, indeed, that we didn't know anything about Christians.

Now the assumption soundlessly collapsed. The sheer quality of the Christians we met at Oxford shattered our stereotype and thenceforward a reference in a book or conversation to someone
as being a Christian called up an entirely new image. Moreover, the astonishing fact sank home: our own contemporaries could be at highly intelligent, civilized, witty, fun to be with--and Christian...

We, then, were not Christians. Our friends were. But we liked them anyhow.

More of their journey...see Scene 2.

Emmanuel - God Is With Us! - Sarah Young

I am with you.

          I am with you.

                   I am with you.

Heaven's bells continually peal with that promise of My Presence.

Some people never hear those bells because their minds are earthbound and their hearts are closed to Me.

Others hear the bells only once or twice in their lifetimes, in rare moments of seeking Me above all else.

My desire is that My "sheep" hear My voice continually, for I am the ever-present Shepherd.

Quietness is the classroom where you learn to hear My Voice.

Beginners need a  quiet place in order to still their minds. As you advance in this discipline, you gradually learn to carry the stillness with you wherever you go.

When you step back into the mainstream of life, strain to hear those glorious bells: I am with you...I am with you...I am with you....

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me

and  I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me

when you seek Me with your whole heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-13

I am the good Shepherd; I know My sheep and My sheep know Me -- just as the Father knows Me and I know the Father --

and I lay down My life for the sheep.

My sheep listen to My voice. I know them and they follow Me.

John 10:14-15, 27

And surely I am with you always.

Matthew 28:20